Substance Abuse, Drug Rehab & Recovery

I was an addict before I ever used drugs. Ever since I was small I wanted out of here. Out of the now. When I first used, I went full tilt and quickly abused it. I don't know if its common for a kid to want to get wasted but I did. I remained wasted for a long time and my life began to revolve around it. My circle of friends changed and I hung out with people who could support my desire to use. I hung out more and more with the stoners until I was the biggest stoner of all.

I stayed that way for a long time and lived life the best I could. It involved a lot of crime and destruction and 'things' that I won't get into, because it doesn't matter.
I lived to use and used to live.

Drug Rehab was something other people tried to push on me and it wasn't something I took serious. I used it to meet and lay vulnerable woman. I also used it to meet new connections to score off or sell to.
I know there are a lot of great Drug Rehab clinics and I am sure if you have a loved one who is abusing drugs, it may feel like the answer. I wish it was, but until a person wants to quit using, there is nothing you can do.

I created a ton of problems in my life and I would 'clean up' to try get some slack from family and the law. My motives where always manipulative and self seeking. I had hoped rehab and even meetings, would help me figure out a way to use successfully. I didn't want to quit using but I did want to stop having so many problems. Kindof.

One day, I said screw it and went off the deep end fully. I had no intentions of making it back alive and I lived my life like Nicolas Cages Character in Leaving Las Vegas. I was going to use until I died. I would of made it to if I didnt get arrested for trying to kill someone. The charge was only possession of an offensive weapon but it landed me in jail long enough to question my life.
First moment out, I got high again and from that day I struggled with it. That damn 45 days in jail screwed up my using.

I tried cleaning up, but kept using and making problems for myself. Out of desperation, I went to detox, not so much for help, but for a place to live for a bit and some food. In detox, they put me in a halfway house which I didn't care about. I was buying my time and trying to make a master plan. In the first couple of weeks there, I used again and ended up committing a robbery and was arrested and sentenced to 18 months.

Much too long to think.

This will continue later... supper time.