I Am An Addict

I've been clean, one day at a time for a decade now. My drug of choice was cocaine and I use to inject it. I lived on the streets, I committed crimes, I hurt a lot of people, I did a lot of dumbcrap and now, a decade later, who I am is a contrast to who I was. My life has been rebuilt. I am successful in business and marriage. I have a great family, hell, I have a great life. In hindsight, the journey here was short and simple. I didn't do anything special but I did turn my life around and it's better then I had thought possible.
If your suffering, don't worry, this too shall pass.

This blog I am starting tonight, is going to be broken English and scrambled thoughts.
An hour ago I wanted to gamble. I haven't gambled in years as I am addicted to that to.
An hour ago I wanted screw around. I have never been unfaithful in my 8 years of marriage but I use to cheat all the time in my old relationships.
An hour ago I wanted to escape, is what it comes down to.
Instead of giving in, I rode it out. The uncomfortable feelings stirred around inside as I drove home. It's been called a disease, addiction. I know it's more of a dis-ease. A dis-ease with self, with life. Acceptance is low today, it's been low all week. As a result, my dis-ease surfaces and damaging thoughts developed. I have learnt not to act on my thoughts, but to let them play out like a bad dream and try to wake myself up. My combat of the 'stinkin thinkin' Man, I hate that term ever since SNL , but my combat to it, was thinking...when I got home I would start a blog and maybe someone, someday would stumble here and find something to grab onto.
A straw of hope as we search for God in cyberland.
I believe in God, more then anything else...may as well get that clear.
The only thing that has kept me clean and changed my life for the better was my own personal relationship with a higher power. We don't need to go there now though, if you are like me, it takes a few miracles before you are comfortable with sharing about God in your life.

When I first cleaned up, I went to an AA meeting and someone there said they where looking for God. I could relate as he spoke. He said he was reading and talking and looking for God and finally he said that his sponsor told him
"God isn't lost, you are. Find yourself and you will find God."
After the meeting, I went home and prayed. I asked God to revel himself in my life.
What happened next is slightly un-f'n believable, but I swear it's true.

First, I need to take you back a couple of years before the night I prayed. I had a cheating, lying, drug addicted skank for a wife and we fought like cats and dogs and whenever I pissed her off, she would throw something at me.
It was always the closest thing to her and a lot of times, that turned out to be the remote control.
That TV flipper was tossed at me so many times that it developed a mind of it's own and would have a tendency to turn the TV on at random times, or change channels. I had to keep it in a drawer at night or it would turn the TV on and Blast the volume.
The point of the remote,
Well- picture this..
I am alone, left my ex - and now living in a small one room apartment with only a couple of days clean.
I am a mess.
I am praying for God to revel himself in my life.
Tears falling down my cheek.
I am in pain...
what happens next-
the TV turns on and flips to some station that I dont even get (ch 63 or something, my TV only went to 36 and I had no cable, only got on a good day three basic channels) anyways, it ends up on some remote channel and a man is on the TV, a preacher and he is saying at that exact moment
"son, you have to let Jesus into your heart" and he begins to pray for me

Now, I am all "what the "beep" is going on... "
I am saying my prayers to JC and asking him in...tv goes off again and I can't find the station no matter what I try.
It came and was gone but man, did I feel good.

Next day, I wake up excited and hit a nooner, after the meeting I am having an after coffee, I tell this guy who kinda took me under his wing, told him what happened..the bastard laughed at me and wrote it all off.
Explained how the Tv waves bounces off the high rises and blah blah blah and he convinced me it was no big deal and was just a coinincedence ?!?
I, of little faith and my mind was so weak, listened to him and wrote it off as well.
It wasn't till much later that I accepted it for the miracle it was.
Crazy eh.

anyways, enough ramblin for one night. I have been all over the map and it's only my first post.
I don't know where this blog will take me or how it will end but you are invited for the ride.
Feel free to share as we travel this road.

Just another day with the Dopeless Hope Fiend
Peace for another 24

PS
I love music, and here is the song of the day :)
Source Deadwood soundtrack