I want to welcome the lurkers, those of you reading and wondering if recovery is for you. I know you are probably going through some problems right now and it brought you to this forum. Your reading, wondering, should I quit? Your mind races with fears of life without booze or drugs and its bleak and horrific, You begin to think that you don't really want to quit, you just want to get it under control and use successfully again. Sound about right?Addiction is a mind f'. Those voices in your head, the chatter. it’s crazy up there and it's the worst place to be. In your head, thinkin yourself out of the latest mess. See, if your like me, one of the first things you lost was honesty. Even when you had nothing to lie about, lying just became a way of life for some of us. We have learnt, through our amazing skills of manipulation, that the more we believed our lies, the more other people bought them. We became experts at it. The downside is, the lack of honesty has taken it's toll and we barley hear that voice inside us anymore, the one that said, maybe you do have a drinking problem or this crack pipe really isn't the way to live anymore. No matter who you are, someone loves you and your killing them by killing yourself. Your hear, half reading and plotting a way to fix this issue that you made but someone else is to blame for it. Just stop, for a moment. Is this where you want to be in your life.How has the trip been so far and do you really think things will get better with using?It takes one thing to get clean.One simple little thing.That is a desire to stop using. That one little spark is all it takes and you can turn your life around for good. You know, the path you have been on has got you this far. Consider this moment a tree branch on a cliff that you grabbed onto on your way down to the rock bottom. Look below, where using is taken you. Right now, this branch is only here for the moment and there may not be another one. Right here, you can say, I want off this cliff...and you can climb back onto stable land.
You may not see what awaits for you on stable land but I can let you know one thing about it. Unlike active addiction, you can make recovery whatever you want.It can be as rewarding and as exciting as you choose for it to be. The one thing you are given back, that you haven’t had for so long, is a chose.
You don't have to live reacting anymore. You begin responding to life and making changes and choices that shape and change your future and the more you get into you recovery the more you get from it.
If you want it, for this moment, the choice is yours.One tiny spark of desire to stop using is all it takes.
For me, it was the pain of using was greater then the pain of staying clean, that was my one spark that I held onto for the first year. I held on to how it feels, at the end of the binge and how hopeless I felt, how I wanted to die.In all my days of staying clean, I have never felt as bad as I did coming down.For me, it's worth every moment.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Drug Rehab - Not Just A Weekend Retreat
I have been posting a lot on the Sober Recovery Forum and wanted to share a couple of the things I posted there, here...because I am too tired to write anything new :)
This post was in response to someone asking for help with their recovery and how to get real with it.
"One thing I have found, and this sucks, is that we all have our own bottoms and tolerance to pain. For some of us, a loss of a job or the hurt on our loved ones faces is enough to snap us straight and give us the desire needed. For me, it wasn't that simple. I went as far down as I could. Gutter level. Lost it all and had a death wish. It took a lot of attempts and a lot of destruction before the pain of using was greater then the pain of staying clean. I held on to that and it worked. I remembered my lowest lows and didnt want to go back. I knew, I couldnt use successfully and eventually, the end was always the same. It was a Black Hole full of pain. When I wanted to use, I trained my mind to not think about the beginning of the binges and obsess on the first hour or two of being high, but I played out the tapes to how they all ended. With me, broke, alone and hopeless. In pain.
Overtime, and by working a program and staying clean, my life got better and I when the thought of using crossed my mind, I would think of all I had in my life now, that I would lose, and I would also think about how it all ends. See, they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I use to think the binges would have a happy ending, but that was insane.
One thing, I have seen from going to meeting, is that you don't have to go as far down as me. If you can understand a fraction of what I am saying, and if you can admit that what is in me is in you and that your ends could be the same as mine. Then you dont have to go as far down the rabbit hole, you just have to believe us when we say, it doesn't get any better the deeper you go and dont let us pass you by on the way back up. Just trust us and come back up with us.
but, if your like me then you suffer from the thought of you thinkin your different then me and you can handle the rabbit hole and you will go down deeper just to see.
I use to sell crack.I had one client who went from being a happy married couple, business, kids, home...to losing the business, the kids, and the home. They started off shop lifting to pay for the crack, and withing a couple of months, she began blowing people for 20 bucks just to buy them another hit.
They went from your next door neighbour to a crack ***** in a couple of months.
I seen a grey cup champion football player sell the Championship ring off his finger for crack. This was someones son, someone who dreamed of being a football star.Someone who made it to the top of his Game in Canada, and he gave all of his childhood dreams for one more hit on the pipe.
Are you any different then us?
Get honest with yourself and look at where your life is going. Don't try and make a Anthony Robins Moment and Positive think your self to a better life. Its BS.Each day you use, your life is degrading and take an honest look at where its going.Come out of the rabbit hole. Trust us until you can trust yourself."
This post was in response to someone asking for help with their recovery and how to get real with it.
"One thing I have found, and this sucks, is that we all have our own bottoms and tolerance to pain. For some of us, a loss of a job or the hurt on our loved ones faces is enough to snap us straight and give us the desire needed. For me, it wasn't that simple. I went as far down as I could. Gutter level. Lost it all and had a death wish. It took a lot of attempts and a lot of destruction before the pain of using was greater then the pain of staying clean. I held on to that and it worked. I remembered my lowest lows and didnt want to go back. I knew, I couldnt use successfully and eventually, the end was always the same. It was a Black Hole full of pain. When I wanted to use, I trained my mind to not think about the beginning of the binges and obsess on the first hour or two of being high, but I played out the tapes to how they all ended. With me, broke, alone and hopeless. In pain.
Overtime, and by working a program and staying clean, my life got better and I when the thought of using crossed my mind, I would think of all I had in my life now, that I would lose, and I would also think about how it all ends. See, they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I use to think the binges would have a happy ending, but that was insane.
One thing, I have seen from going to meeting, is that you don't have to go as far down as me. If you can understand a fraction of what I am saying, and if you can admit that what is in me is in you and that your ends could be the same as mine. Then you dont have to go as far down the rabbit hole, you just have to believe us when we say, it doesn't get any better the deeper you go and dont let us pass you by on the way back up. Just trust us and come back up with us.
but, if your like me then you suffer from the thought of you thinkin your different then me and you can handle the rabbit hole and you will go down deeper just to see.
I use to sell crack.I had one client who went from being a happy married couple, business, kids, home...to losing the business, the kids, and the home. They started off shop lifting to pay for the crack, and withing a couple of months, she began blowing people for 20 bucks just to buy them another hit.
They went from your next door neighbour to a crack ***** in a couple of months.
I seen a grey cup champion football player sell the Championship ring off his finger for crack. This was someones son, someone who dreamed of being a football star.Someone who made it to the top of his Game in Canada, and he gave all of his childhood dreams for one more hit on the pipe.
Are you any different then us?
Get honest with yourself and look at where your life is going. Don't try and make a Anthony Robins Moment and Positive think your self to a better life. Its BS.Each day you use, your life is degrading and take an honest look at where its going.Come out of the rabbit hole. Trust us until you can trust yourself."
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
People Are Hurting From Drug Abuse
I was wondering how many people search drug abuse on line and was checking out the yahoo numbers. It's not much of an eye opener where you see that in one month, on yahoo which is only 1/4 of the searches,
10886 searched for drug abuse treatment center 3985 -drug and alcohol abuse 2910 - drug abuse treatment 1855- teen drug abuse 1808 prescription drug abuse
1198=teenage drug abuse 1048 drug abuse symptom 1029 sign of drug abuse 952 drug abuse help 855 alcohol drug abuse treatment 69 drug use and abuse 685 national institute on drug abuse 624 alcohol drug abuse information treatment 593 drug addiction and drug abuse 484 drug abuse picture 445 drug abuse resistance education 428 abuse drug edition handbook second 396 abuse alcohol cat dog drug he she 38 drug abuse rehab 380 drug and substance abuse 378 drug abuse article 36 effects of drug abus 349 drug abuse statistics 320 drug abuse and addiction 318 drug abuse counseling 317 drug abuse prevention 316 drug abuse information 315 drug abuse and addiction information and treatment 308 drug alcohol abuse clinical guide diagnosis treatment 294 drug abuse testing 283 cause of drug abuse 263 drug abuse fact 242
abuse drug hotlines in texas 233 teen drug and alcohol abuse 224 adolescent drug abuse 223 drug abuse center 220 abuse drug institue national 215 abuse alcoholism drug in soviet textbook union 215 over the counter drug abuse 209 alcohol and drug abuse treatment center 189 drug abuse program 176 abuse drug galt 17 definition of drug abuse 171 texas commission on alcohol and drug abuse 162 general effects of drug abuse 161 teen drug abuse statistics 157 abuse drug elverta 156 drug abuse rehabilitation 152 drug abuse screening test 151 abuse addiction child drug drug family family impact
drug abuse story 148 drug abuse counselor 148
drug abuse warning network 139 abuse addiction dependence drug substance 132 drug abuse treatment program 130 american journal of drug and alcohol abuse 129 teenage alcohol and drug abuse 127 abuse drug folsom 125 clinical supervision in alcohol and drug abuse counseling 124 drug abuse sacramento alcohol drug examination in subject 122 drug in perspective a personalized look at substance use and abuse 112 drug abuse among teenager 111 teenage drug abuse statistics 110 drug abuse intervention 106 abuse alcoholism behavioral couple drug therapy 106 abuse carmichael drug 105 drug abuse and pregnancy 104 abuse drug fair oak 103 book on drug abuse 100 abuse alcoholism center drug treatment 100 abuse drug linda rio 98 drug abuse poem 98 drug abuse solution 95 handbook medical consequence alcohol drug abuse 93 drug addiction substance abuse 93 abuse auburn drug 91 drug abuse and child 91 abuse drug gold river 91 teenager drug abuse 90 abuse drug elk grove 90 abuse drug orangevale 88 abuse antelope drug 88 drug and drug abuse 87 popular drug of abuse 85 history of drug abuse 84 abuse davis drug 84 abuse drug infotrac use 83 abuse alcoholism defeating drug into recovery voyage 82 drug abuse among teen 82 abuse drug lincoln 81 drug abuse education 81 abuse drug el macero 81 abuse drug yolo 80 family therapy of drug abuse and addiction 77 drug and alcohol abuse statistics 77 consequence of drug abuse
and so on,
The reason I did this was because I have only had a small amount of readers and was wondering, is there a need for my blogs?
Will they help lead anyone into recovery?
I had to know that people are looking for answers, I don't claim to have answers, I only have my story and my story may be a part of the answer for someone. That is what I hope for and why I write.
Peace for another 24
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
10886 searched for drug abuse treatment center 3985 -drug and alcohol abuse 2910 - drug abuse treatment 1855- teen drug abuse 1808 prescription drug abuse
1198=teenage drug abuse 1048 drug abuse symptom 1029 sign of drug abuse 952 drug abuse help 855 alcohol drug abuse treatment 69 drug use and abuse 685 national institute on drug abuse 624 alcohol drug abuse information treatment 593 drug addiction and drug abuse 484 drug abuse picture 445 drug abuse resistance education 428 abuse drug edition handbook second 396 abuse alcohol cat dog drug he she 38 drug abuse rehab 380 drug and substance abuse 378 drug abuse article 36 effects of drug abus 349 drug abuse statistics 320 drug abuse and addiction 318 drug abuse counseling 317 drug abuse prevention 316 drug abuse information 315 drug abuse and addiction information and treatment 308 drug alcohol abuse clinical guide diagnosis treatment 294 drug abuse testing 283 cause of drug abuse 263 drug abuse fact 242
abuse drug hotlines in texas 233 teen drug and alcohol abuse 224 adolescent drug abuse 223 drug abuse center 220 abuse drug institue national 215 abuse alcoholism drug in soviet textbook union 215 over the counter drug abuse 209 alcohol and drug abuse treatment center 189 drug abuse program 176 abuse drug galt 17 definition of drug abuse 171 texas commission on alcohol and drug abuse 162 general effects of drug abuse 161 teen drug abuse statistics 157 abuse drug elverta 156 drug abuse rehabilitation 152 drug abuse screening test 151 abuse addiction child drug drug family family impact
drug abuse story 148 drug abuse counselor 148
drug abuse warning network 139 abuse addiction dependence drug substance 132 drug abuse treatment program 130 american journal of drug and alcohol abuse 129 teenage alcohol and drug abuse 127 abuse drug folsom 125 clinical supervision in alcohol and drug abuse counseling 124 drug abuse sacramento alcohol drug examination in subject 122 drug in perspective a personalized look at substance use and abuse 112 drug abuse among teenager 111 teenage drug abuse statistics 110 drug abuse intervention 106 abuse alcoholism behavioral couple drug therapy 106 abuse carmichael drug 105 drug abuse and pregnancy 104 abuse drug fair oak 103 book on drug abuse 100 abuse alcoholism center drug treatment 100 abuse drug linda rio 98 drug abuse poem 98 drug abuse solution 95 handbook medical consequence alcohol drug abuse 93 drug addiction substance abuse 93 abuse auburn drug 91 drug abuse and child 91 abuse drug gold river 91 teenager drug abuse 90 abuse drug elk grove 90 abuse drug orangevale 88 abuse antelope drug 88 drug and drug abuse 87 popular drug of abuse 85 history of drug abuse 84 abuse davis drug 84 abuse drug infotrac use 83 abuse alcoholism defeating drug into recovery voyage 82 drug abuse among teen 82 abuse drug lincoln 81 drug abuse education 81 abuse drug el macero 81 abuse drug yolo 80 family therapy of drug abuse and addiction 77 drug and alcohol abuse statistics 77 consequence of drug abuse
and so on,
The reason I did this was because I have only had a small amount of readers and was wondering, is there a need for my blogs?
Will they help lead anyone into recovery?
I had to know that people are looking for answers, I don't claim to have answers, I only have my story and my story may be a part of the answer for someone. That is what I hope for and why I write.
Peace for another 24
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
Monday, October 1, 2007
Substance Abuse, Drug Rehab & Recovery
I was an addict before I ever used drugs. Ever since I was small I wanted out of here. Out of the now. When I first used, I went full tilt and quickly abused it. I don't know if its common for a kid to want to get wasted but I did. I remained wasted for a long time and my life began to revolve around it. My circle of friends changed and I hung out with people who could support my desire to use. I hung out more and more with the stoners until I was the biggest stoner of all.
I stayed that way for a long time and lived life the best I could. It involved a lot of crime and destruction and 'things' that I won't get into, because it doesn't matter.
I lived to use and used to live.
Drug Rehab was something other people tried to push on me and it wasn't something I took serious. I used it to meet and lay vulnerable woman. I also used it to meet new connections to score off or sell to.
I know there are a lot of great Drug Rehab clinics and I am sure if you have a loved one who is abusing drugs, it may feel like the answer. I wish it was, but until a person wants to quit using, there is nothing you can do.
I created a ton of problems in my life and I would 'clean up' to try get some slack from family and the law. My motives where always manipulative and self seeking. I had hoped rehab and even meetings, would help me figure out a way to use successfully. I didn't want to quit using but I did want to stop having so many problems. Kindof.
One day, I said screw it and went off the deep end fully. I had no intentions of making it back alive and I lived my life like Nicolas Cages Character in Leaving Las Vegas. I was going to use until I died. I would of made it to if I didnt get arrested for trying to kill someone. The charge was only possession of an offensive weapon but it landed me in jail long enough to question my life.
First moment out, I got high again and from that day I struggled with it. That damn 45 days in jail screwed up my using.
I tried cleaning up, but kept using and making problems for myself. Out of desperation, I went to detox, not so much for help, but for a place to live for a bit and some food. In detox, they put me in a halfway house which I didn't care about. I was buying my time and trying to make a master plan. In the first couple of weeks there, I used again and ended up committing a robbery and was arrested and sentenced to 18 months.
Much too long to think.
This will continue later... supper time.
I stayed that way for a long time and lived life the best I could. It involved a lot of crime and destruction and 'things' that I won't get into, because it doesn't matter.
I lived to use and used to live.
Drug Rehab was something other people tried to push on me and it wasn't something I took serious. I used it to meet and lay vulnerable woman. I also used it to meet new connections to score off or sell to.
I know there are a lot of great Drug Rehab clinics and I am sure if you have a loved one who is abusing drugs, it may feel like the answer. I wish it was, but until a person wants to quit using, there is nothing you can do.
I created a ton of problems in my life and I would 'clean up' to try get some slack from family and the law. My motives where always manipulative and self seeking. I had hoped rehab and even meetings, would help me figure out a way to use successfully. I didn't want to quit using but I did want to stop having so many problems. Kindof.
One day, I said screw it and went off the deep end fully. I had no intentions of making it back alive and I lived my life like Nicolas Cages Character in Leaving Las Vegas. I was going to use until I died. I would of made it to if I didnt get arrested for trying to kill someone. The charge was only possession of an offensive weapon but it landed me in jail long enough to question my life.First moment out, I got high again and from that day I struggled with it. That damn 45 days in jail screwed up my using.
I tried cleaning up, but kept using and making problems for myself. Out of desperation, I went to detox, not so much for help, but for a place to live for a bit and some food. In detox, they put me in a halfway house which I didn't care about. I was buying my time and trying to make a master plan. In the first couple of weeks there, I used again and ended up committing a robbery and was arrested and sentenced to 18 months.
Much too long to think.
This will continue later... supper time.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Addiction Is Addiction
It doesn't seem to matter what you are addicted too, the results all end the same. Some things like Crystal Meth and Crack seem to drag people down faster then coffee or a Double Chocolate Chip Crème Frappuccino but anything that causes problems in your life is a problem, right?
F' that. If you think coffee is an issue try waking up in jail with stains on your shorts and some drunken Pill Poppin Black out fadin off being told your arrested for tryin To stab someone.
You people addicted to some crispy creamy donut, whatever - have you ever crept into an open window and stolen some purse for one while people laid sleeping only to have lights come on and some big ass Guy come down the stairs so you hightail it to the door for escape, forgetting you came in the window and the door is latched and bolted shut and you get the door open as the hand grabs your shoulder but thankfully the leather jacket you have on is so tight that he has nothing to grip and you Bail out and dont look back and jump fences and dodge through back yards and avoid traffic to get back home hoping they dont send the dogs on your trail.
Gamblers, on the other hand, your chasing the big dream. The one in a million shot. The roll where all your luck changes and your made for life. I know the feeling, I chased it to, I also chased the ultimate high. The perfect buzz where if I could just get the high right, coming down would be a breeze.
I don't want to knock people with problems, be it whatever, but for you to drop the word addiction is like me complaining my legs hurt to an amputee.
So shut the f'up and have a nice day.
The Dopeless Hope fiend and another useless ramble because its my blog and I can :)
thedopelesshopefiend for those who google it
Drug Rehabs and Recovery
I am not a huge fan of rehabs or controlled environments. For me, getting clean meant getting dirty. 12 step groups, lot of meetings, lot of talking, coffees and fellowship in the real world is what it took for me. I know, some people need Rehab and drug counselors to help deal with mental and emotional issues and I am sure it helps a lot of people get a start but rehab is not recovery. Recovering from active addiction is a life long process and it needs to be embraced with some passion. I know, if we put 1/10th of the energy and passion into staying clean, as we did into using and finding means and ways to use, we will have a successful recovery.
The 12 steps can really be broken down into three stages. Trust God, clean house, help others. It really is that simple, we don't pick up for one is too many and a thousand is never enough.
If you have a drug problem and feel as if it is hopeless, hang on for one more day for the miracle you need may be a moment away. Wherever you are in your life right now, this too shall pass and the future is unwritten. There is a freedom and a life that is greater then what you are able to imagine. Just hang on, seek some help, find a 12 step meeting, get a meeting list and make meetings the most important thing in your life for today. Do this for one day and one day only.
Build relationships with other recovering addicts for there is therapeutically value in one addict sharing with another. The I've been there and done it club, we know what it's like and yes, your insane but it's OK. I'm still crazy but I am able to live in the real world, and Enjoy my life.
I have peace, and I have a goodness that is a part of me. I have a meaning again and a purpose and my days are too short, and the time goes fast.
The long nights of hopeless desperation are long gone. I never thought I would be here but I am, one day at a time for a decade and each day clean was a reward and brought more and more back into my life and my heart.
Rehab, may give you a head start, but staying clean of meth, crack,smack, whatever your poison was, requires more then rehab. It requires a recovery and a walk. I guarantee, if you go to meeting, get involved and work the steps, your life will get better, if not, your misery is totally refundable with interest.
If you need help, you can email me at thereisagodanditsnotme@gmail.com
Peace
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
The 12 steps can really be broken down into three stages. Trust God, clean house, help others. It really is that simple, we don't pick up for one is too many and a thousand is never enough.
If you have a drug problem and feel as if it is hopeless, hang on for one more day for the miracle you need may be a moment away. Wherever you are in your life right now, this too shall pass and the future is unwritten. There is a freedom and a life that is greater then what you are able to imagine. Just hang on, seek some help, find a 12 step meeting, get a meeting list and make meetings the most important thing in your life for today. Do this for one day and one day only.
Build relationships with other recovering addicts for there is therapeutically value in one addict sharing with another. The I've been there and done it club, we know what it's like and yes, your insane but it's OK. I'm still crazy but I am able to live in the real world, and Enjoy my life.
I have peace, and I have a goodness that is a part of me. I have a meaning again and a purpose and my days are too short, and the time goes fast.
The long nights of hopeless desperation are long gone. I never thought I would be here but I am, one day at a time for a decade and each day clean was a reward and brought more and more back into my life and my heart.
Rehab, may give you a head start, but staying clean of meth, crack,smack, whatever your poison was, requires more then rehab. It requires a recovery and a walk. I guarantee, if you go to meeting, get involved and work the steps, your life will get better, if not, your misery is totally refundable with interest.
If you need help, you can email me at thereisagodanditsnotme@gmail.com
Peace
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Laying Low
The last few days have been a mind screw. I have dreams and ambitions but I don't feel like running all the bases to make a home run it seems. I wait for the perfect pitch so I can release the perfect swing...it never comes.
Somedays, you just gotta swing and takes the strikes, take the walks, take the fouls and if you do connect, and hit one out of the park, take it with grace.
I know us addicts want an easier softer way, but there is none. You have to step up to the plate day in and day out.
Just for today, I will swing the bat with all I got. I will keep my eye on the ball and focus on each pitch that comes my way. I can do it, one throw at a time.
Still, I feel far away today. I want to believe but I struggle with it. I am pissed about some money owed to me. I am upset about some jobs.... screw this...
I need to count blessings. One door closes and another one opens. God has a plan. The lord made this day. God is with me and gives me the strength I need to carry out his will. Like the blues Brothers, I am on a mission from God. I need to seek knowledge of his will and ask only for the power needed to carry it out.
Man, I am tired...and feel like crap from to much sugar.
Tomorrow is a new day and I can feel like crap and stay clean. This ain't a using matter. How is that for freedom..
tracking back more on the day, I exploded on my daughter. I over reacted and scared her. No wonder I feel like crap. I have to make amends in the morning.
If recovery has done anything for me it has made me slower to anger and quicker to forgive.
What else is draining me today?
The stuff I put off has put me off...Procrastination is just like masturbation, in the end your just screwing yourself.
I need sleep...this blog sucks but I am clean, so screw it. Let it suck.
G'night
Peace be with us
Pray for those who p's u off.
Send me some positive vibes as well.
The dopeless hope fiend.
aka for those google searchers - thedopelesshopefiend
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Somedays I miss Punchin People
Ok, on the streets if you didn't like someones attitude or the way they acted, or if they just did something to piss you off, you laid a beating to them and felt better.Today, that doesn't work. You have to 'talk things out' or worse, pray for some asshole!
I won't go into much details but I am praying for some people today.
Why Pray you might ask.
Well, the anger I have towards these people really only affects me. Not only are these people dominating my thoughts, and making my peacefulness leave me, but they are draining my energy. A waste of time over some issues that really don't matter in the thick of things.
The best thing I can do for myself is to accept them and pray that they are blessed. It needs to be real though, not just lip service. Letting go is an action and the reward is serenity. The choice is mine. Do I want to feel the anger, which is addictive and feels so powerful, or do I want to let go and be at peace.
Abe Lincoln once said; “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Praying helps re-set the mind and the thoughts. I want to be happy today. So I will pray for all those f'n aholes who piss me off until I stop calling them f'n aholes.
This may take a while
Peace,
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
Monday, September 17, 2007
How To Quit Drugs
Quiting Drugs is tough and it is imposable to do alone. What worked for me was going to 12 step meetings and getting involved. Lots of coffee and phone calls, lots of sex with other addicts (not recommended) and a lot of prayer and letting go.
Praying was hard for me to do and still is. I am the center of my own universe and to believe in a God doesn't work well with my ego. I am like some rich kid showing off, acting all self made, embarrassed at the fact that it's my dads glory, not mine, that made me rich.
With God, he did the miracles and was in the drivers seat for all the good things in my life. I like to take credit but without Gods work, I would be nowhere and have nothing good to show.
I know, coming off drugs and thinkin about living clean and doin right by God feels like your trying to push two magnets together. Its natural to repel and say, I will do it but without God. It's a normal fear. I was afraid I would become some goofball preacher Praising God to everyone and anyone. I would be a square, and so on.
For me, I can say that hasn't happened. I am a believer and a follower and I love my Higher Power but I aint no poster boy for the church. I ain't a f'n saint either, I aint washed clean. I have my issues after all, I am human.
I use to think that Christians thought they where perfect and I would hold them up to the light to find all their imperfections. It was as if by doing so, I would discredit their beliefs and Jesus Christ. How freaking dumb is that. We don't become perfect, we just become works in progress.
For me, recovery and my relationship with God is not freedom from the storm, it is just peace in the midst of the storm. If you want it, God is there for you, you can lean on him.
Meanwhile, getting clean involves some simple work. Go to meetings, lots of meetings and dont use in-between meetings. Don't worry about how you are right now, you are probably a mental and emotional mess. Just keep going to meetings, bring your body and eventually, your mind will follow.
You can do it. It's a simpler then you think. Once you get clean, you can rebuild your life better than before.
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
Praying was hard for me to do and still is. I am the center of my own universe and to believe in a God doesn't work well with my ego. I am like some rich kid showing off, acting all self made, embarrassed at the fact that it's my dads glory, not mine, that made me rich.
With God, he did the miracles and was in the drivers seat for all the good things in my life. I like to take credit but without Gods work, I would be nowhere and have nothing good to show.
I know, coming off drugs and thinkin about living clean and doin right by God feels like your trying to push two magnets together. Its natural to repel and say, I will do it but without God. It's a normal fear. I was afraid I would become some goofball preacher Praising God to everyone and anyone. I would be a square, and so on.
For me, I can say that hasn't happened. I am a believer and a follower and I love my Higher Power but I aint no poster boy for the church. I ain't a f'n saint either, I aint washed clean. I have my issues after all, I am human.
I use to think that Christians thought they where perfect and I would hold them up to the light to find all their imperfections. It was as if by doing so, I would discredit their beliefs and Jesus Christ. How freaking dumb is that. We don't become perfect, we just become works in progress.
For me, recovery and my relationship with God is not freedom from the storm, it is just peace in the midst of the storm. If you want it, God is there for you, you can lean on him.
Meanwhile, getting clean involves some simple work. Go to meetings, lots of meetings and dont use in-between meetings. Don't worry about how you are right now, you are probably a mental and emotional mess. Just keep going to meetings, bring your body and eventually, your mind will follow.
You can do it. It's a simpler then you think. Once you get clean, you can rebuild your life better than before.
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Stains The Soul
I think the hardest thing I have battled with is a feeling of worth. I do give, maybe not as well as I could or should, but I do give.
I have confidence as well, I aint some punk ass wimp who gets walked on and I have always stood my ground and fought my battles. Some with fists, some with words.
Power is something else though.
I am not afraid, and I feel as if I am forgiven for a lot of the things I've done.
So where does this shit stain come from?
I guess I really haven't worked the steps to the fullest. It's time to take inventory and make amends for some of the things I've done.
I wonder if all this nostalgia is because of facebook?
I have re-connected with a lot of old friends from my childhood. A long time ago, a lot of them thought I was dead or locked up for good.
Low self worth -
If your new, coming into recovery or thinking about it. The rest of your life is like living with bad plumbing. Your toilet gets backed up a lot and all that shit surfaces. It sucks at times...but even a bad day clean isn't really a bad day. You hear people say I wouldn't trade my worst day clean for my best day high and as f'd up as that sounds, it holds weight.
Using for me was like a derailment, you knew where it was going and you knew it was all gonna crash.
Being clean, is an unknown adventure, and page by page, this story changes and it seems to change for the better even when it feels like it's getting worse. Perhpas its just the spiritual principle of hope at work but it's real and it's cool. If you are in your first few days, have some hope.
My old sponsor told me something that stuck for life, he said "I've been through the worst, things can only get better" and I know what he means. No clean day, no matter how much pain or anger or anything I went through, nothing has ever compared to being at the end of my line when I was in active addiction.
Mark my words, if your clean today, the worst is over.
Peace for another 24
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
I have confidence as well, I aint some punk ass wimp who gets walked on and I have always stood my ground and fought my battles. Some with fists, some with words.
Power is something else though.
I am not afraid, and I feel as if I am forgiven for a lot of the things I've done.
So where does this shit stain come from?
I guess I really haven't worked the steps to the fullest. It's time to take inventory and make amends for some of the things I've done.
I wonder if all this nostalgia is because of facebook?
I have re-connected with a lot of old friends from my childhood. A long time ago, a lot of them thought I was dead or locked up for good.
Low self worth -
If your new, coming into recovery or thinking about it. The rest of your life is like living with bad plumbing. Your toilet gets backed up a lot and all that shit surfaces. It sucks at times...but even a bad day clean isn't really a bad day. You hear people say I wouldn't trade my worst day clean for my best day high and as f'd up as that sounds, it holds weight.
Using for me was like a derailment, you knew where it was going and you knew it was all gonna crash.
Being clean, is an unknown adventure, and page by page, this story changes and it seems to change for the better even when it feels like it's getting worse. Perhpas its just the spiritual principle of hope at work but it's real and it's cool. If you are in your first few days, have some hope.
My old sponsor told me something that stuck for life, he said "I've been through the worst, things can only get better" and I know what he means. No clean day, no matter how much pain or anger or anything I went through, nothing has ever compared to being at the end of my line when I was in active addiction.
Mark my words, if your clean today, the worst is over.
Peace for another 24
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
Friday, September 14, 2007
I Am An Addict
I've been clean, one day at a time for a decade now. My drug of choice was cocaine and I use to inject it. I lived on the streets, I committed crimes, I hurt a lot of people, I did a lot of dumbcrap and now, a decade later, who I am is a contrast to who I was. My life has been rebuilt. I am successful in business and marriage. I have a great family, hell, I have a great life. In hindsight, the journey here was short and simple. I didn't do anything special but I did turn my life around and it's better then I had thought possible.If your suffering, don't worry, this too shall pass.
This blog I am starting tonight, is going to be broken English and scrambled thoughts.
An hour ago I wanted to gamble. I haven't gambled in years as I am addicted to that to.
An hour ago I wanted screw around. I have never been unfaithful in my 8 years of marriage but I use to cheat all the time in my old relationships.
An hour ago I wanted to escape, is what it comes down to.
Instead of giving in, I rode it out. The uncomfortable feelings stirred around inside as I drove home. It's been called a disease, addiction. I know it's more of a dis-ease. A dis-ease with self, with life. Acceptance is low today, it's been low all week. As a result, my dis-ease surfaces and damaging thoughts developed. I have learnt not to act on my thoughts, but to let them play out like a bad dream and try to wake myself up. My combat of the 'stinkin thinkin' Man, I hate that term ever since SNL , but my combat to it, was thinking...when I got home I would start a blog and maybe someone, someday would stumble here and find something to grab onto.
A straw of hope as we search for God in cyberland.
I believe in God, more then anything else...may as well get that clear.
The only thing that has kept me clean and changed my life for the better was my own personal relationship with a higher power. We don't need to go there now though, if you are like me, it takes a few miracles before you are comfortable with sharing about God in your life.
When I first cleaned up, I went to an AA meeting and someone there said they where looking for God. I could relate as he spoke. He said he was reading and talking and looking for God and finally he said that his sponsor told him
"God isn't lost, you are. Find yourself and you will find God."
After the meeting, I went home and prayed. I asked God to revel himself in my life.
What happened next is slightly un-f'n believable, but I swear it's true.
First, I need to take you back a couple of years before the night I prayed. I had a cheating, lying, drug addicted skank for a wife and we fought like cats and dogs and whenever I pissed her off, she would throw something at me.
It was always the closest thing to her and a lot of times, that turned out to be the remote control.
That TV flipper was tossed at me so many times that it developed a mind of it's own and would have a tendency to turn the TV on at random times, or change channels. I had to keep it in a drawer at night or it would turn the TV on and Blast the volume.
The point of the remote,
Well- picture this..
I am alone, left my ex - and now living in a small one room apartment with only a couple of days clean.
I am a mess.
I am praying for God to revel himself in my life.
Tears falling down my cheek.
I am in pain...
what happens next-
the TV turns on and flips to some station that I dont even get (ch 63 or something, my TV only went to 36 and I had no cable, only got on a good day three basic channels) anyways, it ends up on some remote channel and a man is on the TV, a preacher and he is saying at that exact moment
"son, you have to let Jesus into your heart" and he begins to pray for me
Now, I am all "what the "beep" is going on... "
I am saying my prayers to JC and asking him in...tv goes off again and I can't find the station no matter what I try.
It came and was gone but man, did I feel good.
Next day, I wake up excited and hit a nooner, after the meeting I am having an after coffee, I tell this guy who kinda took me under his wing, told him what happened..the bastard laughed at me and wrote it all off.
Explained how the Tv waves bounces off the high rises and blah blah blah and he convinced me it was no big deal and was just a coinincedence ?!?
I, of little faith and my mind was so weak, listened to him and wrote it off as well.
It wasn't till much later that I accepted it for the miracle it was.
Crazy eh.
anyways, enough ramblin for one night. I have been all over the map and it's only my first post.
I don't know where this blog will take me or how it will end but you are invited for the ride.
Feel free to share as we travel this road.
Just another day with the Dopeless Hope Fiend
Peace for another 24
PS
I love music, and here is the song of the day :)
Source Deadwood soundtrack
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